Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Randomize
