my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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