This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I understand Curling. That high.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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