Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
