you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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