help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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