Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
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there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize