Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
