note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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