hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
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