smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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