I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
