the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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