I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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