I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i think i have herpe
just one?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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