My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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