oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted