Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
worst night to have a conscience
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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