I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
