You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
