Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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