i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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