Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
