Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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