i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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