why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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