I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
