i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
