I'm going to jail i love you
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
