New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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