I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
