last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
