If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
