I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
