She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
My breasts were aching with rage.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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