Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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