If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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