He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
