New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize