Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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