Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
