My room smells like vodka and shame
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
