so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Randomize
