I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
