Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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