We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
