i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
