i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Your cock deserves a montage
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
