I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
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I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
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Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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