She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
