dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
