I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
