Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
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I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
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Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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