Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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