I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
