Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
